Ms. Monk Takes a Road Trip (with apologies to Tony Shalhoub & co.)

Living with OCD is not that big a deal, although admittedly I don’t have a crippling form of it. I don’t have to re-check the locks or drive home and make sure the hair dryer is unplugged or touch every doorway in my house on my way out. I do, however, obsess more than most people do, about, uh, everything.

I worry about the spiders that have SURROUNDED my house. (I’m spider-phobic. I don’t consider that an unreasonable fear, though, and neither should you. I maintain that if Satan had taken the form of a spider when he tapped Eve on the shoulder, she would have known instantly who he was.)

I worry that there will be some weird prison break at the vet’s where Spike will be boarding for the next few days and he’ll end up a stray, in the care of a crazy cat lady who will overfeed him and fail to keep up his vaccinations.

I worry that I’ll take a wrong turn despite my carefully MapQuested directions and end up driving off a cliff in Quebec instead of making it securely to my friend’s house.

I worry that my motel, where I’m staying mid-road trip, will have bedbugs and I’ll have to burn everything in my suitcase, as if I had scarlet fever in the 1800s.

I worry that I’m not bringing enough shoes with me.

I worry that the rotten lousy brats who live around the corner will strip my outdoor AC/heat pump unit for copper to trade for crack, and then I’ll have to kill them and I’ll spend the rest of my life in prison, known as a child-killer, without everybody understanding that those worthless little bastards have deserved it for over a year.

You should see my suitcase.

OK, I have these jeans and those jeans and those shorts. Well. What if the forecast changes? I’ll bring one more pair of jeans. It’s sure to be colder up there. But what if there’s a heat wave? Better throw in an extra pair of shorts, just to be sure. Do I have all 997 hair products? Will that travel-size shaving gel last me the weekend? Do I need nail polish remover? Probably not, but it’ll fit in this compartment, so I’ll bring it anyway.

Facial scrub? Sure, why not. If I don’t bring it I’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a zit the size of Pike’s Peak on my chin. Benadryl? I can always use Benadryl. Damn, this Imitrex expired in January, but I’ll bring it anyway, as insurance. Hell, it might even work.

YOU CAN NEVER, EVER PACK TOO MUCH UNDERWEAR. That is the 11th Commandment. Or it should be.

OK, setting the VCR… let’s see, Monk on Friday. And that Benjamin Bratt thing on A&E that I missed the other night, that reruns this weekend, I’ll get that too. I’m due home Monday. What if there are unforeseen circumstances that keep me in a no-cable-having hotel on Monday? Better set it for The Closer and Saving Grace too. And the new episode of the Benjamin Bratt thing runs next Tuesday. Why not — I can tape 6 hours, I might as well use ’em.

Is that enough dental floss? I have a real OCD thing about dental floss. If I don’t floss I feel like I didn’t shower. (My dentist loves me, especially since I have bad teeth despite the whole flossing thing. I helped him buy his Porsche.)

Better bring the red shampoo, just in case.

Better bring a baseball cap, in case my hair just goes fucking crazy.

Didn’t I used to have prescription sunglasses?

Did I pack the dental floss?

OK, books. I’m reading these and I plan to start this. If I finish this one, I’ll have this extra. What if I finish two books? You never know — I might be insomniac and want something to read and NOT HAVE IT. That’s my idea of hell. So I’ll bring this too. And a crossword book, just in case. With a new pencil. I might do a bunch of crosswords and use up the old one. Oh, and this is just a mass-market book, so it’ll fit in the bag.

Recharge the iPod. Then bring the iPod recharger with me. Same for the cell phone.

Cotton balls. Those can’t be enough cotton balls. Luckily the whole bag doesn’t use up much space.

I think I’ll burn a new CD in case I get bored with the 300 already in my car. What’s a good theme for a new mix CD? I can’t decide. I’ll burn all three. Damn, now I have to get the CD wallet out of the car and re-alphabetize it. (No shit. I actually fucking did this.)

There. I left a space for my razor.

Maybe some extra socks and underwear.

I’ll see you all next week!


11 Responses to “Ms. Monk Takes a Road Trip (with apologies to Tony Shalhoub & co.)”

  1. Have fun, my neurotic friend!

  2. pandemonic Says:

    Damn, girl. You have problems.

    I plan on departing my house with just my car and a credit card. They have stores where we are going, my friend. SHOES? You sound like my daughter. She packed a 24″ suitcase for a two day trip to San Francisco. Where we are going, you will need no shoes, just a nice pedicure, which I am getting today.

    See you Saturday, you weirdo… 🙂

  3. Holy shit! You did more planning than I did, and I’m hosting this event!

    As for the shoes, you did the right thing. I always over pack on the shoes. A girl can never be too careful.

    See you tomorrow!


  5. *licks paw thoroughly, applies to ear* Done.

  6. bigcocky Says:

    She remembered the beer. She forgot her pill box, and Mapquest did her wrong.

  7. What the hell did Mapquest do to her? I just talked to her and she’s about 6 hours from me.

    She forgot her fucking pills?!

  8. pandemonic Says:

    I’ve got Corona if she forgot hers. I also have a case of Michelob Lite.

    The champagne is for me. I don’t do beer.

  9. She told me she has a case of Corona in the car. She just forgot the limes. I just sent Kevin to the store to get some.

  10. mapquest sucks, google map rocks. im halfway home kris, stay with me next time…i’m glad ya’ll had fun…

  11. Muwhahaha! This sounds like me packing. I am seriously OCD about packing stuff. Getting ready for a road trip is a major event. Hell, even going over to a friend’s house for a few days requires multiple checks and rechecks for stuff. Did I bring my gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater? What about my electric dog polisher? (apologies to Steve Martin)

    Hehehehe… Hope you had fun!

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