U.S. Government vs. Tigereye

Everything in this post is true.

As you all know, I don’t make any apologies or excuses for my political beliefs, which hasn’t always made me popular in my very red state, but it wasn’t until all this Bush administration-warrantless wiretapping idiocy started that someone actually went after me for them. I’m sure my FBI file isn’t exactly up there with Tim Robbins’s, filling an entire file cabinet, but I bet there are at least two heavy, tattered folders of it, dating back to when I protested Gulf War I in college and running straight up to when I called GWB a smirking, slack-jawed baboon over the phone last week. Assuming a certain level of federal efficiency, of course.

It started, as many things do, with the telephone. And ice cream. And it goes back at least three years.

See, they’re wiretapping pretty much anybody, so I’d been joking for a while about being on the list, with no further qualifications than writing letters to the editor and publicly mouthing off to friends over drinks, movies, trying on clothes, hunting the car in the parking garage… My phone cracked and popped more often than I thought was normal, starting in 2003, but it was, after all, just a phone, and I’d flung it across the room a few times, so a little static didn’t seem unreasonable.

Then my favorite ice cream went away.

It was Haagen-Dasz Bananas Foster, and if you never got to try it, that’s my fault and I’m sorry. I really am. It was delicious: banana ice cream with an irresistible streak of caramelized rum swirling through it. My mouth is watering now, just thinking about it. I first found it at my local Publix, and when I got my one experimental pint of it home and tasted it, I went back the next day and bought about six more pints.

I savored them all, every life-beautifying bite, right up to the moment Publix suddenly stopped stocking it.

That didn’t make sense. If you’re selling out of something, you get more of it ’cause it’s obviously in demand, right? I’d done years of work in retail, and this was one of the most basic things I’d learned, right behind Ninety percent of people will steal anything not nailed down.

I figured maybe Haagen-Dasz just owed them a delivery, and stopped in the Publix near the veterinary clinic where I worked instead. Ah, success! I took home two more pints. And then the next time I looked at that store, they weren’t carrying Bananas Foster anymore either.

My phone kept crackling. People commented on it. John, my best friend, my mom. In fact, it was my mom who first said, “Are you being wiretapped? I hope you’ve got better sense than to say some of the things I’ve heard you say about the president over the phone.”

Well, I sure as hell was after that.

Then I went to a football game with a friend, and we stopped at a Ben & Jerry’s store on the two-mile hike back to the car (next time there’s a Clemson game on ESPN, look at that stadium and you’ll immediately understand). She got Key Lime Pie; I got Wavy Gravy. In the car, scarfing down our calories while waiting for the traffic to clear, we rhapsodized over how good it was, how we wished we each had a B&J store closer to home…

Next home game, both flavors were off the menu. Key Lime Pie was limited, explained the college kid behind the counter, looking at us a bit wide-eyed; Wavy Gravy had been discontinued again. He seemed nervous, like we were considering buying ice cream just before we blew up the place.

(About the Key Lime Pie: sorry, Beth. Didn’t mean to drag you into this.)

If it had stopped with the ice cream, I think I could have gotten along just fine, if disgruntled. (I mean, Bananas Foster was really, really good.)

Next to go was a favorite perfume. It was Liquid, manufactured by Hard Candy, and I’d ordered a bottle of it from their website, followed in short order by the lotion and the shower gel. It was an odd, almost licorice-scented perfume, unlike anything else I’d come across, and not long after I stocked up on it, it was gone.

After the success with removing one cosmetic from me, the guys in their black suits and black Lincoln (they must be miserable, sitting there in a southern summer, dressed like that, or at least I like to think how unhappy they are) decided they were on a roll and took away three of my favorite lipsticks, although by now I was catching on and ordered a backup of each one before they disappeared. Hey, it’s a pain trying to find a good red lipstick these days. I’d tell you what the colors were, but I have a sneaking suspicion the government guys might go through my house searching for them, and anyway you wouldn’t find them. Sorry.

And so it continued. No kidding. I keep thinking Ben & Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Chunk is going to be next, so I’ve stocked up on it; instead the one I lost was Brownie Batter. The anti-frizz leave-in conditioner I used to slather onto my dyed, damaged hair has vanished. Ditto Pineapple Paradise Yankee Candles, Night Court on DVD, my favorite Opi nail polish, Clinique shower cream, and Escape body cream.

The tide might be turning, though. It’s possible that it’s just because this is an election year, but for the last two weeks, I’ve been searching every Publix and Bi-Lo and Bloom in three counties, looking for Lean Cuisine Chicken in Peanut Sauce. (Don’t laugh. If you couldn’t cook, you’d live off these too.) I almost gave up, carrying around the mental image of black-suited guys who don’t even remotely resemble Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones, raiding the freezer case at Publix, muttering to each other as they worked:

Guy 1: Go check the Ben & Jerry’s. I think we missed some Cake Batter last week.

Guy 2: I will, but first, don’t forget the Land Shark beer. It’s behind you. That’s on the list too.

Yesterday, on my grocery run, I passed a Publix stocker working the freezer section and peered over his shoulder. I think I messed up his afternoon, asking him to pass me an entire stack of Chicken in Peanut Sauce, but it was worth it. I’ve got to make it last, at least until November when I might get my civil rights back.

I only wish I could get Haagen-Dasz Bananas Foster back, too.

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17 Responses to “U.S. Government vs. Tigereye”

  1. They took my red lipstick, too. I can’t find L’Oreal in Sangria anymore. This is not the first of my lipstick colors to disappear. Nope.

    Also, they keep stealing my favorite shizzle from Trader Joe’s. But we have discussed this already.

  2. tigereye Says:

    Hey, man, if they take my Clinique lip pencil, it is ON.

    The Benefit undereye concealer I used has been phased out, too, but I bought 3 the last time I was at the mall. Vive la resistance!

  3. I got this here Clinique Super City Block SPF 40, and it is awesome. So awesome that I had to hit two Clinique counters before I found one. Popular shizzle. So of course it will probably be discontinued. Like my favorite shampoo was.

  4. tigereye Says:

    City Block RULES, man. I used to work for Clinique, and while I didn’t believe in every product, I’m a member of the Church of City Block. The Almost Makeup is the real deal, too.

    By the way — the guys in black must have just read this post. My cable went out, right near the end of an all-day Monk marathon, dammit.

  5. Of course it did.

    Also, they canceled Dirt. And Firefly! That’s the cancellation that almost made me join a militia.

    What’s Almost Makeup? Wait, don’t tell me. Stupid Clinique and their overpriced shit that actually works!

  6. I was gonna say, they keep cancelling my favorite shows. Obama 08!

  7. We still have cake batter. Brownie batter too. Just sayin’ is all.

  8. All I have is this bullshit reduced-fat, no-added-sugar Rocky Road. I’m abouts to go out my mind.

  9. TheOtherIvy Says:

    First they came for the ice cream and I did not speak out because I was lactose intolerant.
    Then they came for the perfume….

  10. tigereye Says:

    When they came for the lipstick, I joined moveon.org…

  11. pandemonic Says:

    It’s not wiretapping. It’s an omen. Stay away from ice cream!

    As a person who was really watched by the FBI (when I was married to Husband #1, who had a high security clearance), I find this rather funny. Actually, I find the government humorous too, but that could be because I’m twisted.

    One day about thirty years ago, my grandma called me from where she lived in the most rural frozen Tundra you could imagine. No street signs, dirt roads that were practically ruts in the wilderness, the place wasn’t even on the map. Two G-men managed to find her to inquire about my whereabouts. That was kind of funny, since I was 150 miles south in a major metropolitan area. They could have found me by looking my name up in the phone book.

  12. Well, dang! Wonder what I did to loose Mocha Fushion? I have to have it shipped in from out of state!

  13. tigereye Says:

    Shawn, how long ago was it? It might be that they found out we’re friends…

    Pan, that scared the hell out of me at the same time I laughed.

  14. […] pandemonic I love Tigereye. She has the convoluted but perhaps valid idea that just because her favorite ice cream has been taken off the menu at fine ice cream parlors and grocery stores in her area, that means […]

  15. B&J Oatmeal Cookie ice-cream is delish. They better not drop that one.

    And G.W. Bush is re-re, slack-jawed wanker!

  16. tigereye Says:

    It’s like having Curious George run the country, with more disastrous results.

    Hey, is that an elusive pingback above? I feel honored…!

  17. Ha. Curious George (W. Bush).

    ^^ An affectionate pingback, at that. Pandemonic loves you! 🙂

    … and I forgot to insert an ‘a’ between ‘is’ and ‘re-re’ in my original comment.

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