I’m Your Bitch

Look no further.

You know how in any group of friends, there are roles for nearly everyone? There’s the Always Late friend, the Organizer, the Hostess…. and in my group, there’s the Bitch.

Everyone says I’m good at it.

When we all go out to dinner and end up seated next to a table with three hyperactive toddlers chasing each other around the room, I’m the one who asks the server if s/he can move us to some other table less conducive to murder. When somebody prances up to a queue of waiting people and intends to buck the line, I’m the one who points out their mistake (and that they’re outnumbered).

And there’s no place more in need of an act of bitchiness than your local movie theater, where tonight I had the honor of delivering not just my two friends but an entire theater full of moviegoers from the utter stupidity and/or laziness of the jackass in the projection booth.

Have you ever gone to a movie and found the previews made everyone in them seem nine feet tall and supermodel slim? Or maybe the opposite, turning everybody onscreen into Hobbits in a way neither Tolkien nor Peter Jackson could appreciate? There’s a reason for this: movies are in either “flat” or “scope” (short for cinemascope) format, and sometimes a set of previews in one format are grafted onto a film in the other. All this means is the projectionist moves a filter, or a piece of glass, or for all I know a magic fucking wand, before the actual movie starts, and everyone on the big screen looks like they’re supposed to again.

Or if you get a lazy- or dumbassed projectionist, maybe not.

I ended up going to the lobby three times tonight to get this corrected, missing a lot of the first 20 minutes of “No Country for Old Men,” which my two movieholic buddies have now rechristened “no movie for slackass employees,” but earning myself a round of applause from the 20 other people who wanted to see an odds-on Oscar favorite before the awards are handed out. Which is OK. I’ve seen it already, back in November, and I’ve read the book (ask me what I think of Cormac McCarthy sometime if you want to see me fall all over myself praising a freakin’ genius), but still, it would’ve been nice not to have to tell a theater manager how to do her job. I mean, she HAS a full-time job and I don’t, although an old boyfriend of mine used to run a movie theater and I doubt anyone could pay me enough to bail me out of jail after my first weekend at work.

But I digress.

I suppose it’s occasionally good to be the Bitch, since my friend who hadn’t seen NCFOM yet said I saved the movie for her by, well, harassing the staff into work. But I’m not crazy about being the Bitch all the time. With meanness comes responsibility, and missed movies, and the possibility that some teenage asshole will key my car in the parking lot next time I go to that theater. (In my red state, it’s easy to spot my car, adorned as it is with Democratic candidates’ names.)

I’m coming around to seeing this as an employment opportunity, though. Why be the Bitch for free in these days of self-promotion? I should hang out a shingle for the timid: Let Me Be Your Bitch. I’ll happily fight your battles for you: I’ll embarrass the no-child-support-paying ex in public, glare down the rude guy at the post office (I have no fear of postal employees — that’s a selling point, right there — because they’re generally better-adjusted than I am), and make the road-rager in the BMW look like the gesticulating pussy he really is. In return, I ask only for an hourly rate.

Oh, and bail money.

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11 Responses to “I’m Your Bitch”

  1. This was not what I expected when reading the title.

    One other job option for you would be to teach whimps how to be bitchy for themselves. The world needs people who aren’t afraid to bitch a bit.

  2. I think you might be onto something there Kris. Forget the shingle, you could put up a website. Letmebeyourbitch.com. Think about it.

  3. I agree with Shawn. Some people are born to be bitches and others are not. You need to teach those of us who weren’t born that way to be that way!

    I had a friend (well she still is but I haven’t seen her in a gazillion years) that used to tell me that I am too nice. She used to say she was going to have to give me “Bitch Lessons” so I could learn to be like her.

    I should have taken her up on it.

    So see, there you go. There is a market for your skills.

  4. Of my two best friends, one is incurably nice — she even remained nice after living with me for two years in college! — and the other is meaner than me but less aggressive.

    Hmm… I could give bitch lessons from home… the IRS would never have to know…

  5. *an ad idea for tigereye*

    When out with your friends does everyone call you “the nice one”? Did the waitress at Denny’s intimidate you into eating bacon, even though you’re kosher? Do hostesses seat you in kiddy corner, because you have a nice face? Do complete strangers cut in front of you, in line saying, “I know you won’t mind.”?

    Are you sick of being sweet to total jerks?

    Then call 1-LEA-RNB-ITCH, or go to beabiggerbitch.com. Let our wonder bitch, Tigereye, show you how it’s done.

    Go on call! Before she slaps you stupid.

  6. Oh my God! I think the bitch just found the perfect agent!

    As soon as someone pays me, Shawn, you are IN!

  7. Oh my God! I think the bitch just found the perfect agent!

    As soon as someone pays me, Shawn, you are IN!

  8. My goodness. We are not the same at all. I’m never bitchy. Sometimes I’m evil though. I recall having poor service and dealing with it as follows. I put the bill in my pocket, paid nothing and left a note on a piece of paper that said “Don’t be shitty to students.” That was the tip.

  9. Sorry ’bout the double post up there. Weird stuff happening with my DSL tonight…

  10. Daners Isadora Says:

    Huh. Wanda’s right. I’m pretty sure you’re me.

    Also, kudos to you for the movie thing. Especially if you’re paying nearly 10 bucks for it.

  11. I’d hire you in a heartbeat.

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