Five Great Places to Pick a Fight

1. The grocery store. Really, if you can’t work up a good mad while trolling through the aisles with a wobbly cart and a headache, you’re just too mellow to be believed. I spent twenty minutes yesterday at my favorite local store, trying to get at the frozen cookie dough while a woman blathering on her cell phone blocked it with the mighty combination of her ass and her cart; listening to a nasal Brooklyn transplant berate a poor cashier for her own mistake in picking out on-sale lowfat cheese; minding my own business reading the ingredients on a microwaveable sandwich so I don’t eat onion powder and go into anaphylactic shock, only to hear some high school dimwit comment to a friend about “people looking at the calories.” By the time I had everything I needed, I needed something more, like two drinks in rapid succession and then a double-barreled shotgun for the high school kids. And a good defense attorney.

2. Football games. I realize many of you will just have to take my word for this, but trust me, there is almost no event so overripe for instantaneous violence as a football game, be it high school or college. (The only pro game I’ve ever seen was a peaceful affair, even while serving $5-a-cup beer.) There will always be a drunken jackass reeling his way through the crowd, pointing a finger far too close to your face and blasting you with Jack Daniels breath while he verbally mangles an insult at your team. Believe me when I say it becomes your civic duty at this point to smack this guy so hard he drops his drink. If he’s in the stands, this is best done when you’re with at least three or four friends as short-tempered as you are. I have lots of these, many of them relatives.

3. Parking lots. Even before the term “road rage” was coined, parking lots have the potential for violence of a building constructed on top of an Indian burial ground in a Stephen King story. There’s just so much that can go wrong! People too lazy to return their carts leave them out to roll into someone else’s car, dolts who overshoot a parking space then actually think the person behind them will back up and let them have it, passersby make disparaging remarks about whatever candidate your bumper stickers are endorsing, zealots leaflet cars about how Jesus doesn’t want you to pay your taxes but He sure encourages you to keep your guns… I’d bet that in the days of horses and buggies, fights broke out at the stands where the horses were tied up. I’m kind of surprised I’ve never seen evidence of this in an old Western.

4. In a bar. Like the parking lot, any bar has a fighting chance, ha ha, of hosting a free-for-all at any given moment. Over pool games, over the jukebox, over the wrong person hitting on somebody… If you take the crowd from the hypothetical football game above and put them in a bar, bottles and noses will be broken. This isn’t a fun place to witness a fight, though, because vomit tends to accompany the festivities.

5. Movie theaters. I’ve been in more arguments here than at football games, although that’s probably just because movie tickets are so much cheaper by comparison. This hot spot will, however, show your age, as you can hardly keep from reflecting that when you were a kid, people got to the movies on time and shut the hell up when they got there. Now it’s just one more day at the circus, except all the participants are clowns and none of them man-eating big cats. In fact, between cell phone conversations and people dragging infants to R-rated horror shows and whole packs of people filing in late with their Jumbo Popcorns and Giant-Ass I Gotta Pee Again Drinks and Only An Asshole Orders Jalapeno Nachos at a Movie Combos. At the circus, there’s always the chance that one of the elephants might stampede into the stands; at a movie these days, that’s what it would take to keep me from getting into an argument with whatever dolt has an entire empty theater to sit in but chooses to sit right in front of me.

6. (Bonus Fight) Online. One day I will learn how to punch someone in the mouth right through the computer screen, and I will then be elected President of the World.

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16 Responses to “Five Great Places to Pick a Fight”

  1. TheOtherIvy Says:

    Do people with children in carts aim them at you assuming you, solitary female, will get out of the way? I do understand the fatigue factor and the my-daughter-only-knows-the-one-song (ya-YA…ya-YA) syndrome but, yikes, people.
    It is difficult to remain calm in parking lots. Sometimes very very difficult.

  2. I used to think that dyeing my hair colors you cannot find in nature would keep people from thinking I would respond to anything like a normal person, but unfortunately, I’m going to have to work harder at it. Maybe a facial tattoo…

  3. Absolutely awesome, although I do live in fear of #6. And I absolutely love, “Jesus doesn’t want you to pay your taxes, but he wants you to keep your guns.” Fucking brilliant.

  4. TheOtherIvy Says:

    A facial tattoo could work although the one on my arm did no good. It attracts people like a pregnant belly attracts curious hands. I do not like being touched by strangers.

    I have tried the various colors of hair. With the exception of black, it usually turned out looking (accidentally) natural. This did not help. Leather did not help. Big boots and too much eye liner and still, people thought I was a good person to ask where the local I-HOP was or could I please tell them how to get to campus.

  5. 1. Then there’s the dolt who must get right between you and what you’re looking at, because they’re in a hurry. Makes me wish I could make disgusting body noises on cue.

    2. Some of the worst fights I’ve seen have been between parents at PeeWee games, when the youngest was a cheerleader. You’d be amazed how much beer flows at those games.

    3. Try a WalMart parking lot, SCARY!

    4. Bar fights can be funny if they’re too drunk to actually hit what they’re aiming at.

    5. The reason I wait for the DVD.

    6. Not if I beat you to it! 😉

  6. If I ever decide to pick a fight, I will remember this.

    I’d vote for you!

  7. You might not believe this but I’m pretty laid back. I avoid all sorts of confrontation. I spent most of my marriage fighting and I got it out of my system. I think for the rest of my life if I feel the need for a good verbal tirade I’ll be able to call my ex husband because he knows all the buttons to push. I have a story of a barfight. The specifics are best placed in an email since they are personal but I had a woman come up to me and say, “I’ve known your husband for years and he’s one of the nicest guys you really need to be nicer to him. I feel sorry for him being married to you”. OH MY GOODNESS. I went off on that bitch.

  8. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You really, REALLY need to move here to NYC.

  9. pandemonic Says:

    Good list. I might have to do my own. Remind me to never tangle with you or get in front of your frozen cookie dough with my big butt.

  10. Come stay in our milkhouse for a few weeks. I’ll grocery shop for you. No TV or internet. Sit quietly on the couch, read and write. Put on your sunblock and go to the beach. I’m really afraid you’re going to stroke out.

  11. This is a great rant. You did forget one though. I was once in an all-out fist fight at a convenience store.

    Some idiot left their car at the gas pump and went in, I thought, to pay. I was waiting for the pump and late for work. After awhile I realized they were in there playing an arcade game while their car sat in front of the pump I was waiting for. I went into the store and tackled the bitch. The police were called. I was arrested. I kid you not.

    My temper was much worse back then.

  12. Quill Gordon Says:

    When you figure out #6 let me know. Will it work on those stupid little phone/camera/internet/texter/give me directions because I’m too ignorant to read a map/oh, look at me I’m important thingies? That would be great.

  13. madamedonna Says:

    I wanna do #6.

  14. I’d love to figure out #6 before the election. I think socking Mitt Romney in the mouth would completely raise me out of the funk I’m in.

  15. jojovtx1800 Says:

    Hehe, been involved in all of the above, and you forgot the king of them all, and THE easiest place to find a fight: A NASCAR race.
    1) Earnhardt is a jerk
    2) Gordon is gay
    either of the above will get you clocked in .02 seconds.

  16. I almost got into 2 fights in a parking lot.

    And hahahhahahah@ # 6.

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