Bite My Democratic Ass, Dennis Kucinich

Well, someone has to say it.

I figure every week there’ll be at least one major screwup from a candidate, so if I don’t have a heartwarming moment in American political history to record, I’ll have one to laugh at instead. I was going to snitch the Ron Paul blast-from-the-bigoted-past from last week, which felt a little unfair, since Ron Paul, in all his crotchety Rip Van Winkle-ish glory, will be remembered when the 2008 election is over as That Crazy Old Dude, if at all. But he’s been superseded by someone I can make fun of from within my own party and not feel the least bit bad about it.

Honest to God, Kucinich — I mean, really

I guess this makes me a political snob. I tend to look at the also-rans most of the time and try to decide who’ll eventually be part of the cabinet and who’ll be lucky to appear in group debate pictures a year or four from now. So far I think Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd will probably get some recognition by whoever ends up winning the Democratic nomination, and, God willing, the general election, but I’m not willing to go any farther than that.

I have some friends who appreciate Dennis Kucinich, and speak highly of him, and that’s fine. Like Chuck Berry says in the live version of “My Ding-a-Ling,” which wouldn’t be entirely out of place as Kucinich’s official campaign anthem, it’s a free country, so y’all go right ahead and sing however you want to. But this week he’s showing ominous signs that he’s buying into his own bullshit, and yet no one’s volunteered (yet) to slap him mightily across the face and snap him out of it.

First of all, the man wants a recount of the New Hampshire vote. Not Obama and not Edwards, who are, after all, the only people with anything meaningful to be gained if it somehow turned out that the NH vote had left a bag of hanging chads behind in some cold, snowed-in town hall somewhere. Not even Bill Richardson, who might’ve been a viable candidate in a year that three of the most charismatic people in the party didn’t decide to run as well. No, Kucinich wants a recount, bless his ridiculous Mickey-Mouse-looking little heart. He Has Suspicions of Foul Play. As if any one of the top three or four would’ve actually benefited by stealing a hypothetical bag of Kucinich votes, when in reality you could add his entire total to anyone else’s and not make 1 per cent’s difference. (I will say this for the man, at least he put up his own money for this recount rubbish, although it seems more entertaining just to set $27K in cash on fire in an oil can somewhere in a cold city.)

That was enough, wasn’t it? You’d think so. And then we find out he’s suing MSNBC for not giving him a seat at Tuesday night’s Democratic debate.

Oh, for the sweet sufferin’ love of God, man.

Look, it’s his money and he can waste it any way he wants to. I can respect that. Back when I had a reasonably high-paying job, I bought so many red lipsticks I could now keep the Robert Palmer “Addicted to Love” band chicks in makeup until they’re all in the same nursing home for pouty models. I’m  not exactly afraid to throw money away. But it ticks me off that he’s dragging the Democratic Party, by association, into his personal celebration of hubris. To this, I say Look, dude, this isn’t just about you any more. Every time this story airs, you’ll be in some group shot, because cameramen are usually not fools, and you’ll have either Clinton or Edwards or Obama somewhere in the background with you, and you won’t just be making an ass of yourself, you’ll be embarrassing them by association.

Along with the rest of us, if you need it spelled out for you.

This week in politics has been irritating enough, frankly. First there was the non-story of Bill Clinton and the term “fairy tale,” which fooled exactly no one into thinking he was belittling Obama’s candidacy, and then there was the non-story of Hillary allegedly giving Lyndon Johnson credit for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s work, which fooled even more no ones than Bill had. What a crock of crap. The notion that the Clintons have anything to be ashamed of when it comes to the politics of race is like saying George W. Bush should be more careful how he treats millionaires. Just as ridiculous is the idea that Obama’s campaign stirred up this cauldron of swill. If there’s anyone out there who doesn’t see Karl Rove behind this, put your glasses on and look again, please, because the only way any Republican is going to beat whoever’s the eventual Democratic candidate in the fall is if they create enough infighting between the front runners. If somebody’s campaign had anything to do with this, I’ll bet you all a silk pajama it’s Mitt Romney’s, or Fred Thompson’s, or someone else’s who drops God’s name like it’s going to get them past some kind of imaginary evangelical bouncer.

And then on top of this, Dennis Kucinich and His All-Ego Band decide they want to be treated like a front-runner. Well, guess what? Maybe I do, too. It’s probably not too late, in fact, to launch Tigereye for President and tour the campuses of Clemson, LSU, Auburn, Grambling, Memphis, and Trinity, looking for Tiger votes. If I did, starting now, I bet I’d do better than Dennis Kucinich. I’ve just got that kind of winning personality. Not to mention better hair.

So look, little man, you’ve had as many chances as anyone else to prove yourself a viable candidate, and to no one’s surprise but your own, it’s just not working out for you. That’s just the way it happens, and you’re not even close to being the first it’s happened to, although you’re moving rapidly up the charts in the race to see who lacks the most dignity while losing. Suck it up, Kucinich, and put your $27 grand back in your pocket, or better yet, try to save some face and donate it to charity, but leave New Hampshire and MSNBC out of your little play for air time. There’s more at stake here than just your future. The rest of us want a little happiness, too, and we’ll take it starting in November, if you’ll just leave things well enough alone.

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11 Responses to “Bite My Democratic Ass, Dennis Kucinich”

  1. That was fucking hilarious. He should just be happy he has a hottie for a wife. Life has already smiled down on him more than he deserves.

  2. That’s not his wife, that’s his girlfriend. Which means she’s got more sense than you might expect.

  3. I’d pay more attention to this stuff if I didn’t have so much crap to deal with. Hey why don’t you follow all this stuff and just tell me who to vote for in the primaries and in November okay? Honestly that sounds like a career path for you. Political personal assistant. I tell you the issues of greatest importance and my stance and you follow the candidates and then right before I vote you provide me with the name of who I should vote for. It saves me a whole lot of time and energy.

  4. I agree, the stuff he’s doing now is weird. I respect his ideas, and I think the other candidates do need to address them, but recounts, lawsuits, what the heck is going on?

  5. pandemonic Says:

    Damn, girl. Tell us what you really think. 🙂

    I happen to be an independent, and also a big cynic. There’s so much information out there, it’s hard to tell if it’s good info or bad.

  6. Hmm… I think I’m gonna take Bibliomom up on that job offer!

    Kathleen, you’re right, he’s got some ideas I like. I just think he’s imagining himself a little too heroically for his circumstances. I was OK with him in 2004…

  7. I think Bibliomom has a super idea with that Political Personal Assistant gig!

    This guy is a loser. He’s such a front runner that he has no ads running in California. I have never seen a photo of him. I have never seen him on the news. Yeah, he’s a front runner alright.

  8. goodfoot08 Says:

    Call me just another blind man reporting in on what part of the elephant I think I am holding–
    the two stories of the last week that caught my fancy are:

    what sort of goofy game is Bill playing with his “junkyard dog” routine? He is not only scaring off voters who are feel ready to hold their noses and vote for Hilary, but he is probably scaring off a number of possible running mates for her. There is an air of desperation to his contentiousness that smacks of a contrite philanderer or a political junkie who once again sees the crack on the coffee table and knows it isn’t for him.

    the totally humiliating week Bush had in the middle east. He has proven to the word, once and for all, that he knows nothng and doesn’t care. His groveling for a break on oil prices and the rejection of him for doing it makes even this Bush-hater feel sorry for the sap. And if none of these candidates doesn’t start attacking him for it as soon as Air Force One gets back, then I may have to throw my support to Kucinich. As far as I am concerned, the gutless change rhetoric is ignoring the simple truths of our time–we have a crazy shithead and minions running this country and someone has to be ready to start fixing stuff as soon as they are elected. Frankly, neither Hilary or Obama, or Edwards, seems up to the challenge and that is an opening for one of those GOP fools to make a run for the Presidency. And wouldn’t that be a kick in the teeth_ to have another four years of Republican excuses.
    Kucinich may be a loser, but at least he understands that you can’t compromise with extremists. Hilary and Obama could make a real statement by repudiating Lieberman and they won’t.
    [I guess I had some things on my mind. Sorry]

  9. goodfoot08 Says:

    I really liked this. I can’t believe I forgot to say that.

  10. Thanks — I’ve been laughing at your first comment, although it’s truer than I’d like. W in the middle east was a national embarrassment. Every time I saw him on film I thought of Borat, except W lacks Borat’s CHARM.

    I was wrong — the absolutely gorgeous woman with Kucinich IS his wife! I heard it on “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” this weekend, which did a whole segment about Kucinich. Go to npr.org if you want to hear it — it’s one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time.

  11. Every time I think of Dennis I see Amy Poehler. Poehler’s version of DK has supplanted the real Dennis in my brain.

    Oh, did I say Obama ’08 yet today?

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