The Name of This Song Is “Will Smith, You Done Your Woman Wrong”

…And it can be sung to the tune of almost every other blues song ever written.

Why, Will? Why? Haven’t I adored you from afar long enough? I actually went to the theater and saw “Independence Day,” Will, and as often happens, you were the only good thing about it. I shelled out six bucks to see “I, Robot,” for God’s sake. I bet I’ve watched “Men in Black” forty times by now, because every time TNT reruns it, I find myself powerless to turn away. It never gets old.

I understand your CGI thing, Will, really I do, but I’ve seen your other movies too. Hell, I was one of the twenty people nationwide who actually went to see “Ali.” I even liked it. You did a good job in that one; by the end of the movie you even had me half convinced you looked like Muhammad Ali. And last year I took a big leap of faith and saw “The Pursuit of Happyness” (my inner spelling demon’s protests went unheeded), and damn, Will, I liked it too. It made me cry. I had never before found myself in the awkward position of having you make me cry. It was weird. Then my best friend, who was also crying, asked me for a Kleenex and I immediately felt better when I realized I could hear little sniffles all around me.

But you’ve hurt me, Will.

Look, when I want to cry in a movie I go prepared. I carry tissue. If I don’t have a little purse-sized package of Kleenex, I raid the popcorn stand for those sandpapery theater napkins. Yesterday I did neither. Why not? I’m glad you asked, Will. I didn’t make any plans to cry in an action movie about zombies because it’s an action movie about zombies, for God’s sake. I read the book “I Am Legend” about ten years ago, and I’d forgotten nearly everything about it, but I don’t remember getting choked up anywhere in it, just like I didn’t get teary-eyed over “28 Days Later” or “Dawn of the Dead.”

There are rules to these movies, Will, and you betrayed my trust.

Nothing is ever supposed to happen to the dog.

And hey, you of all people should’ve known that! Remember “Independence Day,” dammit? Wasn’t there a golden retriever bounding around and smiling all the way through “Independence Day”? Did any harm come to Orion the galaxy-carrying cat in “Men in Black”? No, and no. It’s not like you don’t know how it works.

But no. About halfway through “I Am Legend” — if this were a movie review and not a voice crying out in the wilderness, I’d go on to tell you what to expect from this movie, but all I’ll say here is BRING KLEENEX — you and your scene-stealing co-star German Shepherd get… well… you get in a bad situation. And the dog, because he’s a faithful companion, sticks around with you, and what happens then? Want to tell us, Will? When you were reading the script, didn’t it occur to you to say, “Hey, wait a minute, this part here with the dog? I know it’s in the book, but come on, this screenplay has about as much of a relationship with the book as it does with reality. Nothing’s supposed to happen to the dog.”

The result? A theater full of people who are really, really into the movie suddenly gets very quiet. “Pursuit of Happyness” quiet. And since I didn’t expect anything more than an action movie, I had about another hour to sit there sniffling in the dark because I couldn’t blow my nose because nobody expects to need Kleenex at an action movie.

You’re going to have to make this up to me, Will. I’m not sure how you can do this, unless you make an action movie starring you, Colin Farrell, and maybe George Clooney, and there are multiple scenes for each of you in which clothing is removed.

I’ll be right here, waiting.


10 Responses to “The Name of This Song Is “Will Smith, You Done Your Woman Wrong””

  1. You had me up until the part where you said “nothing’s supposed to happen to the dog.”

    How about a little spoiler warning? Sheesh.

  2. Well, she DID say she’s not a reviewer, Wanda. I would say something catty about dogs dying, but I happen to think German Shepherds are terrific.

    Oh well. I’m still mad about I, Robot, so I wasn’t gonna see it anyway.

  3. TheOtherIvy Says:

    That is just wrong. It’s just not done.

    I have seen Men and Black many, many times. I probably will again.

    There is a line that the wife of the man who becomes the bug says that is hilarious to me every time I hear it. It may be when she says something about the Edgar suit. I suddenly feel deeply troubled. No, but, it is the way she delivers the line that makes it so hilarious.

  4. She’s tight though – nothing ‘s supposed to happen to the dog.

  5. Mr. Rochester begs leave to point out that during the winter months, it is a good idea to carry Kleenex at all times, Will Smith and action movies aside.

    This bulletin has been brought to you by the Coalition of Citizens for Responsible Sniffling.

  6. I was so into this post and then I read

    “unless you make an action movie starring you, Colin Farrell, and maybe George Clooney, and there are multiple scenes for each of you in which clothing is removed”

    And totally forgot what I was thinking. Can we toss in Matthew McConaughey into that mix of things?

  7. It’s just not right!

  8. Sorry about the spoiler. At least you all know to grab some napkins with your popcorn, though.

  9. Well, there’s no way I’m going to see that movie! Actually, it’s really not my cup of tea – you know, zombies and all that so I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway.

  10. antimother Says:

    My God! Now I won’t be able to let my kids see this movie. You never, ever kill the dog. Don’t these people know anything?

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